Although today is usually my “Wordless Wednesday” post (see below, LOL) … I was reading my sweet friend Stephanie’s blog HERE and loved the idea of the challenge she posted about “blogging your heart” today. I love this idea, actually. While I know that 95% of my posts are happy, uplifting, crafty posts – you and I both know that life isn’t always happy, crafty and cheerful. My life is no exception, but the difference is that I choose to use my blog to encourage, inspire and uplift others and that is why the majority of my blog is filled with things that do just that. It’s a choice I made. BUT it’s good to vent and you know what – posting every now and then about some real, hard things going on in your life CAN help, inspire and uplift someone because they will know they are not alone in what they are going through, the feelings they are having or the circumstances they are finding themselves in. So today I’m going to vent. I’m going to let go of what is bothering me. Today I am going to blog my heart.
- I worry about my sweet daughter every day.
- I hate the fact that she has type 1 diabetes and that I have to know EVERYTHING that goes into her mouth. I have to measure, weigh and count the carbs of everything she eats and drinks. I get sick of it. I miss the days when I could just get her a glass and pour some chocolate milk into it or just give her a handful of something to eat. I look at food differently and most times I want to throw the measuring cups across the room.
- My heart is still breaking after her diagnosis over 6 months ago and I often times find myself glancing at her and then having to walk away and find some place to cry a little bit without her seeing me. I don’t want her to have to deal with diabetes her entire life. I worry that she will be treated differently by people who just aren’t educated about it or by kids who can be mean. She has such a sweet spirit and gentle heart. I just don’t want diabetes to take that away from her as she gets older.
- I’m scared. To know that what I am injecting into my daughter 4 times a day is the reason she is still alive is just a very hard thing to process. It’s her life support. I’m also grateful that there IS something to inject into her. The main thing is that I wish I never HAD to inject anything into her. Sigh.
- When I pick up her sweet little hand to check her blood sugar (at least 6 times a day) and I see all of the tiny little holes in her fingertips – it breaks my heart. She’s such a champ though and doesn’t complain. It doesn’t phase her anymore, but it tugs on my heart every day.
- I don’t want her to know how scared I am at times – I want to always be strong for her. It’s hard to hide it sometimes.
- I find myself some days just wanting to scream because I still get angry from time to time about it all. Still dealing with moving past the anger and grasping the acceptance of it all that this has happened to her. NOT settling for it though.
- I worry about Jack and his future and pray he doesn’t have to go through all his sister is going through. Sometimes when he seems like he wants to breastfeed longer or more during the day or if I think he’s had a few more wet diapers – I automatically think the worst. Sigh.
- Every time I see the photographs I took of Caylin right before her diagnosis, I cry. I see her innocence in them and just knowing what we know now – it’s hard to see them and remember that time.
- Usually I will let out my frustration or emotions in the shower – I cry a lot in the shower. That’s my bit of quiet time to reflect, pray and just let it all out. It really helps and is such a relief to get it all out like that. You should try it. I’m serious.
- The nighttime scares me. I was told that I didn’t HAVE to check Caylin’s blood sugar at 3 a.m. anymore, but with the risk of a low blood sugar, seizure and maybe even death in the middle of the night- how could I not? I will be checking it for as long as I can, I have a feeling. I’m ok with that. It helps ME sleep and have some peace.
- I can see changes in her moods from time to time – due, I’m sure to the diabetes and it hurts. I hate diabetes.
- What is also on my heart though is how despite it all – Caylin has been so brave. So resilient (kids REALLY are!!) and I am so proud of her. Our family is closer, we have done things to improve ALL of our health (thank you, Dr. Jason!) and we know that God is in control and His will for my daughter is being lived out.
- Thankfully we are sure to let Caylin be a kid – despite the difficult disease she has to live with. That can be challenging, but we’re doing a pretty good job of it so far.
- I feel so blessed to have such a beautiful, smart, kind and sweet spirited daughter who loves the Lord and is so giving. I know that this journey is going to have ups and downs for her, but I have no doubt that she will do grea and God will carry her through it all. She already has done great. It’s just me I worry about sometimes. ;)
- And that’s what is on my ♥.
Jennifer
September 14, 2011 at 8:04 pmHang in there K! I think everything you feel is normal, and she is lucky to have such a loving mom like you. (((((((hugs)))))))
admin
September 14, 2011 at 8:38 pmThank you, Jennifer! BIG hugs back! ;)
TracieClaiborne
September 14, 2011 at 8:19 pmKristina – I know the pain of feeling like you have lost the life you once had because I also feel that way about myself but it would be 100 times harder if it revolved around my child. Through all my own struggles, I have found peace in knowing my child is well. So my heart just breaks for you so much. I want you to know that I am praying for you and your sweet girl. I will pray that God gives her a high pain threshold and she doesn’t feel the pricks like other people would. I don’t understand why you are going through this but I do know God is there to hold your hand through it. He understands your fears. He also suffered pain and knows how it feels. Your testimony and strength will help other people and when your daughter is old enough to take care of her own health needs, she will look back one day and realize you are her angel. Especially when she has her own child. You will have a crown in heaven for this. God is so proud of you and so are so many people here on earth. I love you. I am praying strength and peace for you.
admin
September 14, 2011 at 8:41 pmThank you, sweet Tracie. You have me in tears, my friend. Praying for you as well. :)
Nichole
September 14, 2011 at 8:48 pmThis is a beautiful, heartfelt, and VERY touching post, bestie. Wow. Loved your words. They broke my heart a little bit. Just knowing how you’re feeling about Caylin and diabetes, etc. (I would feel the VERY same, by the way. Now that I’m a mama I so “get it” more now!) You are such a wonderful mama and Caylin, Jack and Michael are all so blessed to have YOU. You inspire me everyday. Sending you great, big hugs and praying for you all each and every day. Miss you a LOT!
admin
September 15, 2011 at 1:54 amLove you, bestie. :) I miss you, too … SO much. :)
Mariah
September 14, 2011 at 11:27 pmI KNOW you are worried, and I understand that. I just wanted to let you know that my lifelong friend has had diabetes since age 3. I remember warming her insulin for her and her having to check her blood sugar at certain times of the day. But, she grew up fine and healthy. She played sports and had a normal childhood. She’s had some health issues in her adulthood, but has been very healthy otherwise. I don’t want to sound all preachy or anything, I just want you to know that there is hope and things will work out.
admin
September 15, 2011 at 2:05 pmThank you so much for your comment, Mariah. So sweet of you to encourage me like that. I have come across so many sweet people who love someone with diabetes or who have diabetes themselves and it always is so encouraging to see how wonderful they are doing and how there is hope that she can have a “normal” childhood and adult life. I know that NO life is easy at times. I guess what I struggle with sometimes is how MY dreams for her changed a bit, but the wonderful thing is that it’s not MY dreams for her that I want her to live out – it’s the dreams she has for HERSELF that she needs to live out and God’s will for her and I know she WILL do that. ;) Sending you BIG hugs. :)
Steph
September 15, 2011 at 2:24 amOh k-
She is so so blessed to have you as a mama. I can’t imagine the worry. You handle it all with grace and faith. What a testament to His love. Thank you so much for blogging your heart.
admin
September 15, 2011 at 2:05 pmThank you, Steph. ;) Sending YOU big hugs and thank you for the challenge. It was good to get that out there. ;)
christinew
September 15, 2011 at 6:26 pmI wish I couldn’t relate, but I can.
Your words were beautiful and sad.
admin
September 16, 2011 at 1:05 amHugs, Christine. I’m SO sorry you CAN relate.
Kelle
September 15, 2011 at 8:01 pmJust said a prayer for you and your family. xoxo, Kelle
admin
September 16, 2011 at 1:05 amThank you so much, Kelle. Hugs and love back. :)
Andrea
September 16, 2011 at 1:33 amKristina,
Your post tugged and my heart. The worry and fear you express run through my veins every day too. Diabetes is such a terrible disease, but it has allowed me to see what amazing, strong, incredible children we have. I am so grateful for your fundraising efforts and can’t wait until we have a job and can contribute more to the cause to find a cure. Caylin is blessed to have you as a mother. I wish I could give you a hug and cry right along with you right now. You are an example to me as we go through this trial; it is so hard, but we keep on doing it because we love our kids. I know it’s hard to be strong every day, and it’s good to let it all out when times get tough. Thank you for being an amazing example and friend. I look forward to the day we can meet in person, hug and cry together while our little warriors play.
admin
September 16, 2011 at 4:23 pmThank you for the sweet comment, Andrea. Karston is blessed to have YOU. Our children are pretty amazing, aren’t they? We are so blessed. :) I look forward to the day we can meet, too. Sending you BIG hugs and praying for you and your family as well. We CAN do this and we WILL. ♥ Our kids are going to do BIG things. ;)
Jane Kuan
September 16, 2011 at 10:31 pmA daughter is a beautiful treasure, created in the image of God.
You are a great mom who deserves a great gift-a lovely daughter.
May Christ shine in everything you do.
admin
September 19, 2011 at 4:47 pmThank you so much for your sweet comment, Jane.
Hugs and blessings to you! :)
j.j.
September 22, 2011 at 1:44 amI know exactly what you mean, my friend.
tchris
September 26, 2011 at 9:15 pmI wish I had something profound to say to you, but all I can come up with is {{{SENDING BIG HUGS TO YOU}}}!
sarah
February 9, 2012 at 11:30 pmI’ve been reading your archives, Kristina, and this post really hit me hard. We share so many commonalities, thoughts, worries, etc. It’s different of course, because our kids have different diseases, but so much is the same too. The food measuring, the required precision, the constant care and preventative measures we must take. I just wanted to say, I get it. You aren’t alone in feeling these things, and you are a strong woman to push through! Hugs to you!